Bad CGI Fridays: Cerberus (2005)

Published May 1, 2015 by biggayhorrorfan

What if the hair of the dog that bit you actually has three heads? Well, then you might end up with a crazily CGI ridden opus like 2005’s Cerberus.

When Attila the Hun’s prized sword is stolen by a group of mercenaries, including a hard hearted soldier of fortune portrayed by television favorite Greg Evigan, the famed marauder’s deadly Cerberus, a three headed dog with a snake for a tail, is unleashed upon a tiny, confused Romanian village. (Perhaps, part of their confusion derives from the fact that the Cerberus is, primarily, considered an offspring of Greek mythology, but I digress…)

Thankfully, gorgeous museum director Dr. Samantha Gaines and the roguish Jake Addams are on hand to stop the computer generated madness from ending everyone’s life.

Directed with energy by John Terlesky, whose own acting credits include such action ventures as Deathstalker 2 and Damned River, this toothy timewaster is perhaps most notable (to queer kids who love their horror gals) for the involvement of eclectic genre goddess Emmanuelle Vaugier (Saw 2, Ripper, House of the Dead 2, Return to the Cabin by the Lake, The Fear: Resurrection).

Lovely, isn’t she?!?

Until the next time – SWEET love and pink GRUE, Big Gay Horror Fan!

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Bad CGI Friday’s: Nightmares and Dreamscapes (2006)

Published November 28, 2014 by biggayhorrorfan

If there is anything more shocking than a half naked John Boy in the Autopsy Room 4 entry of Stephen King’s Nightmares and Dreamscapes, it has to be the sight of an obviously computer generated snake as it strikes out at its prey in that very same episode.

But you have to admit that, as a man in his late 50s (when the show was filmed), actor Richard Thomas (Battle Beyond the Stars and The Waltons, as referenced above) is looking pretty good. Spending the majority of the episode with flanks (etc..) bared on an autopsy table, Thomas fills his role, a war wounded businessman put in a death resembling coma by above said snake, with hard won regret and humor.

Greta romances, Thomas sleeps!

Thus, Thomas’ efforts and the elegant presence of Greta Scacchi (as a medical official gone giddy with love) help make this one of the better (if comically drawn out) entries in this occasionally lackluster TNT mini-series from 2006. And, of course, there is always that snake!

Until the next time – SWEET love and pink GRUE, Big Gay Horror Fan!

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Bad CGI Fridays: John Carter of Mars (2012)

Published August 15, 2014 by biggayhorrorfan

Recycling cans = good! Recycling movies = ???

Filmed as Princess of Mars in 2009 to ride the Avatar wave, the (infamous) Asylum repurposed their flick in 2012 as John Carter of Mars to punch fists with the big budget action adventure, John Carter.

Both versions, of course, are filled with notorious cheap creature computer effects – and a lot of half naked Antonio Sabato, Jr.

Now, who said this was a bad movie???

Until the next time – SWEET love and pink GRUE, Big Gay Horror Fan!

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Bad CGI Friday’s: Shark Week (2012)

Published July 25, 2014 by biggayhorrorfan

While not nearly as hotly electric as her death in Kick-Ass 2, the unstoppable Yancy Butler has lent some charged pizzaz to such low budget animal-horror-oaters like Rage of the Yeti, Wolvesbayne and the Lake Placid series, of late.

Unfortunately, as the demented mistress of a madman who likes “to watch”, she is the most exciting thing about 2012’s Shark Week, The Asylum’s quick attempt to cash in on Shark Night’s mainstream release. Much of this aquanoid terror is spent watching a group of folks wander around an island (often not even in the water) trying to outwit a variety of murderous fin sporting creatures.

Naturally, the numerous attacks are created using bad CGI effects – often distorted by shaking camera work in a seeming attempt to overcome their obvious weaknesses.

Granted, with a super ridiculous shark-on-a-spear effect and a cat-fight between Butler’s Elena and Erin Coker’s victorious journalist, things do escalate a bit as the film heads into its final half hour.

Besides, what else are you going to be doing with your time? Studying Sharks-speare?

Until the next time – SWEET love and pink GRUE, Big Gay Horror Fan!

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Bad CGI Fridays: 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea (2007)

Published July 18, 2014 by biggayhorrorfan

If television action mainstay Lorenzo Lamas has made a boring film (and, naturally, I’m not saying he has) – then 2007’s 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea would certainly qualify for that honor.

Featuring lots of footage of Lamas and the actors playing his crew wandering around the floors of the ocean depths (and not much else), 30,000 does feature a couple of sequences involving a very unnatural looking squid.

In fact, the squid’s second appearance is almost laughable – coming off as almost a mechanical style comic book design.

Oh, well. Where’s Stan Lee when you need him?

Until the next time – SWEET love and pink GRUE, Big Gay Horror Fan!

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(Bad) CGI Friday’s: Seattle Superstorm (2011)

Published June 13, 2014 by biggayhorrorfan

While sudden rainfall has definitely destroyed one or two of my Batgirl costumes – at least it hasn’t turned me into (unrealistic) vibrating ash like some of the unlucky victims of the Seattle Superstorm!

No way to lend a hand!

After a meteor bound for Seattle is destroyed by the government, powerful storms soon begin to crystallize some unlucky folks while, also, knocking over buildings and whipping tons of underpaid extras around. Thankfully, journeyman actor Esai Morales is on the job as a former NASA scientist who works, mightily, to stop all of that superimposed fog and fake lightening from harming too many people.

With plenty of car crashes, explosions, smoking chemistry experiments and familiar plotline tropes, Seattle Superstorm definitely isn’t high art – but in watching it, every filmic dreamer surely realizes how super fun it would have been to make!

Until the next time – SWEET love and pink GRUE, Big Gay Horror Fan!

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(Bad) CGI Friday’s: Deadly Swarm (2003)

Published June 6, 2014 by biggayhorrorfan

I thought the buzzing of the gossips at Mary’s Delicatessen and Wine Shaft was bad…until I heard the overpowering hum of the (very fake) killer wasps of 2003 animals-gone-wild opus Deadly Swarm.

Unleashed by a demented scientist in a small Guatemalan village, these miniature beasts are soon attacking local conspiracy theorists, decorated officials and humbled drug couriers. But these unreal pests are good for something. They bring true meaning to the small town’s Day of the Dead celebration, and in a moment of (perhaps misguided bravery), they save a young lass from sexual assault. Yep! Leave the mace. Bring the wasps!

Of course, handsome Shane Brolly (the Underworld series) as a distinguished entomologist and beloved character actor Pepe Serna as a concerned lawman, just have to try to stop these destructive beauties in all their glory! But until they do, the Jaws plotline parallels (“We can’t stop this festival! Think of all the $ we’ll lose”) and multiple moments of frightened victims shooting into the massive swarm (Did they really think that would help??) make this one altogether stinging morsel!

Until the next time –

SWEET love and pink GRUE, Big Gay Horror Fan!

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(Bad) CGI Friday’s: Ghost Storm (2011)

Published May 30, 2014 by biggayhorrorfan

In order to control my (surely) other worldly weight gains, I have travelled down many a diet supplement strewn path. Thankfully, I have never tried a Ghost Storm! That would have left me as a pile of (obviously fake) ashy mulch.

Thankfully, 24‘s Carlos Bernard, as a determined sheriff, is a little better prepared than am I. He and Crystal Allen (playing his scientist-style ex-wife) finally figure out how to vanquish a (cheesily unreal) swirl of electro-ized ghosts that are decimating their small coastal town in this silly 2011 epic.

And while some viewers may find a bit too much waste here to make this an efficient time stealer, this spirited ditty does bring a whole new meaning to the phrase “Officer Down”!

Until the next time – SWEET love and pink GRUE, Big Gay Horror Fan!

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(Bad) CGI Fridays: Super Hybrid (2010)

Published April 4, 2014 by biggayhorrorfan

“You’re heading for a red light
Hot night, bad fight, dynamite
Red light, hot night
Bad fight, dynamite…” – Red Light, as sung by Linda Clifford

While the alien life form that disguises itself as various, swiftly moving vehicles in so-corny-it’s-fun 2010 epic Super Hybrid sees its victims in a reddish glaze…

…the creature, itself, definitely manifests in a very slithery, toothy CGI wave.

Based in Chicago (but obviously filmed in Canada) this timewaster features a kick-ass female heroine named Tilda (spunkily essayed by actress Shannon Beckner) who not only takes on the tentacle laced creature but Oded Fehr’s (The Mummy, Resident Evil: Extinction) dangerously smarmy, self centered boss character, as well.

Until the next time…SWEET love and pink GRUE,

Big Gay Horror Fan

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(Bad) CGI Fridays: Disaster Zone: Volcano in New York (2007)

Published March 21, 2014 by biggayhorrorfan

When is it too darn hot? Well…when visiting Jamaica in the off season or, perhaps, when a tropical phenomenon attacks the East Coast.

Yep, in 2007’s Disaster Zone: Volcano in New York, the city that never sleeps bubbles and warps beneath some of the worst technical lava effects ever put on top of celluloid! As an overzealous scientist tapping into the earth’s core, perennial bad guy Michael Ironside (Scanners, Visiting Hours) steals the show, here. Meanwhile (Christine princess) Alexandra Paul leads the rest of the over earnest cast.

The best moment in this Sci Fi masterpiece? When one of Costas Mandylor’s (Saw series) sand hog worker’s guts spill out due to volcanic laced water – a surprising moment of grue in this fairly tame production.

Runner up: When a group of friendly homeless guys expire due to the gases emitted from the build up of the eruption. Some dudes just can’t catch a break, no?

Oh, well. Until the next time – SWEET love and pink GRUE, Big Gay Horror Fan!

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